Wednesday, October 25, 2006

 

RETRACTION

After reviewing my moral compass, and the visit from three kids in helmets who basically tore up my couch.. I'd like to apologize profusely for any comments made about developmentally challenged human beings, and in fact, want to admit that I am developmentally challenged as well. Screaming children - no matter how challenged or not - cause me to LOSE CONTROL and say things that should only be told to Satan.
Thanks.

 

As your Libertarian Candidate for Presidential Race 2008, I stand behind three platforms:

1. Guns are an inalienable right.
2. The income tax is unconstitutional.
3. Autistic Kids: Shoot Them Dead, because they are monsters.*

• Subtle Rain Man behavior is permissible. Minor rocking. The occasional scream at loud noises. But no rocking while screaming. And no screaming too loudly, especially in the food court at the Galleria.

Friday, October 13, 2006

 

Note to self:

Get a ticket to see "Sweet Charity" at the Pangages starring Molly Ringwald. Go dressed as Brett Somers from Match Game '75. Insist that you ARE Brett Somers and demand backstage access.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

 

MOMS on TV

I’d like to tell you now about my Mother’s Meat Logs, which she used to give as gifts for Christmas.

Please pick a tune and hum it while you read the following
(I chose the theme to "Flipper")

“Meat Log”


Meat Log, Meat Log, you’re born in November
You’re made of beef and pork
You’re made of beef and pork
Meat Log, Meat Log, my mother smokes you
In her smoker
She got one Christmas

Bridge:
It goes in the freezer
Till Mid-December


Oh-oh-oh...
Meat Log, Meat Log, my mother defrosts you
And wraps you in foil with red bows
And gives you to people she knows!

Very few mothers in TV movies do things like this. Eccentricities are only relevant if they push the plot forward. A recent example is the mom in that Kim Basinger , disaster - The Mermaid Chair. She cuts off a coupla fingers and hides them. The film deserves no more explanation than that, but suffice to say that it was an integral plot point. In Indie films, however, eccentricities are used in lieu of a coherent plot.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

 

How Molly Ringwald is like my Vagina

1. Used to be dyed red;
2. Went back to the natural brown and lost some of its luster;
3. Dyed back to red;
4. Doesn’t show much of the early promise from youth, but still plugging away;
5. It went to France. (Molly lived there; my vagina visited for a week);
6. Has brilliant comic timing.

Someday my vagina will star in an AWESOME made for TV movie as a plucky redhead that solves crimes and falls in love with a super guy. Swear. to. God.

 

The Rival - Damaged vs. Fertile

As a childless woman, it’s a bit vexing to fend off Media screaming at me to conceive, conceive before it’s too late. In the Lifetime TV world “too late” isn’t just approaching menopause and difficult birth, it’s insanity.

So I was looking forward to The Rival, as my first thought was that Heather Tom was going to play evil surrogate mother.

There are some basic themes explored in TV movies – Romance, Child Abduction, Child Disease, Disaster, Stalking, Threat of Other Woman. (I know I’ve left some off, so please feel free to add to comments).

In this rendition of the “threat of other woman,” director Douglas Jackson and writer Christine Condradt (previously paired on A Lover's Revenge and The Killer Upstairs) deliver a pitch-perfect (un-winking melodrama) story about a barren woman named Alice (Tracy Nelson), who hires a surrogate mother to carry a child then goes insane with jealousy.

The story begins with Alice - newly pregnant and trying to convince her classic dickhead that she didn’t get pregnant on purpose. They pull their SUV up to an ATM, Nelson hops out, and a masked Canadian teenager kills her husband then shoots her in the stomach. She sinks to the sidewalk, and crossfade to “7 Years Later”.

Now we see a fragile woman married to a doting husband George (Linden Ashby). They live a successful life. He’s a lawyer I think. And, in a stroke of irony, she owns a baby store.

Moment by moment we are drawn into Alice’s strange rabbit hole. First meeting mean Aunt Stella, who wants out of the old age home enough to blackmail her niece about her father’s mysterious fire death, her mother’s suicide, and Aunt Stella’s very existence (apparently Alice hasn’t told George).

Next we meet Alice’s psychiatrist, Dr. Linda Zeller, played by Lifetime regular Barbara Niven, who costumers have decorated like a Faberge Egg, in ivory suit with a big-collared purple satin shirt. It’s in these sessions that we see the depths of Alice’s neuroses. Where we know the torment and guilt Aunt Stella has inflicted. Where we analyze the strange soft-focus dream she’s been having that features a masked judge, George – in blind glasses and cane, and a big pink gift with bow, and ends with Alice shooting George. Oh it’s a banquet of Jung.

So there’s the set-up. Woman tormented by her Aunt and her barenness and her inability to find a suitable vessel to carry husband’s child.

In comes George’s law partner, played by gorgeous Jackson vet Sophie Gedron, who suggests that her sister Jennifer (Heather Tom) would be a perfect candidate for inception. Earnest Jennifer has a little girl of about six. They are a great pair. And, per the agreement, move into Alice and George’s house for the duration of the pregnancy.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

I won’t give away everything, but look forward to death, lying, hallucinations, confrontations with “the rival” and a real-life re-enactment of the dream.

Tracy Nelson is the perfect psychopath - she is our domestic nightmare about fertility vs. losing control - and every actress should have at least one good breakdown scene. Nelson does a fantastic job with that, but one wonders - psychotic super-strength aside - whether Nelson could every really pose a physical threat to anyone.

FAVORITE QUOTE: Nobody takes my baby away you bitch!

TAKE-AWAYS:
*Beware of dark parking lots
*If you are a passive aggressive control freak who may or may not have murdered your father, do not allow this to cause a loss of control.
* If your husband jogs, you'd better damn well start jogging, because otherwise he will get himself a hot female jogging buddy and that's never good.
* Barrenness = Insanity



Tuesday, October 10, 2006

 

Why Do I Root for Shannen Doherty?

Is she the girl who picked her scabs in 10th grade? Cute but grody? Dunno. I think she's a damned fine actress. I just started this thing, and have a lot to say about Shannen and her body of work. First I need to find the lyrics to the song she sang in Friends 'Til the End.

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